30 Days of Truth / Day 4

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

This one came right to me. I didn't have to think very long at all. I read the sentence out loud and I knew right away.

The someone would be my mother.

I haven't had a relationship with my mother since August, 2009. She has not been a part of my life at all since then. I have seen her at a few functions- I say hello to her- but that is it.

She has no relationship with my son. But that wasn't anything new. They had a falling out when he was 15.

She has no relationship with my daughter, either. She "friended" my daughter on Facebook. But my mother is so darn computer illiterate it's kind of a joke. She is never on there.

My mother is one of those kinds of people who get highly offended if you don't follow the advice she has given you. I can count on both hands - sadly - of the times that we had falling outs. One fall out occurred at Christmas time. My children- her GRANDCHILDREN had nothing to do with the adult problem- but they were cut out over the holidays. They opened Christmas gifts at Easter time. EASTER!!!!!! Pretty pathetic and BOTH of the kids never forgot it. Every time there was a fallout- the kids were involved and they weren't supposed to be. It pissed me off to no end EVERY TIME!!!

Well...the last fall out occurred the summer of 2009. I was having marital issues and major financial issues with my husband. I started to put pay checks aside to put a deposit on an apartment for me and my daughter to move into. My mother helped me move stuff and even gave me a few hundred dollars. She was just all happy because she thought my marriage was over and she could get some control over my life. My son was living with his great-grandma while all this was going on and he was doing OK over there. Great-grandma had company and it was working for a while.

I moved into the apartment and left hubby. Like I said we were going through some major problems. We had to file for Chapter 13 and with further financial problems we had to convert it to a Chapter 7. We lost the house to foreclosure. But......hubby freaked out over everything that was happening and forced me to talk things over with him. After many conversations I decided to give him and our marriage another shot.

My mother blew her top and told me that she was very disappointed in me and didn't want a relationship with me if I was going to have John in my life. I couldn't recall the exact words she used-- but that pretty much sums it up. I lived a block and a half away from her and she cut me off. She cut her granddaughter off. That was that. I lived in that apartment for almost a year.

I don't speak with my mother, my one sister and my mother's sister- my aunt. I speak to my other brother and sister and seem to have an OK relationship with them. I also have a cousin that I am very close with as well as other cousins that I keep in touch with through e-mails and Facebook. Thank goodness for Facebook!!

I have heard through the grapevine that if I apologize I "might" have a relationship with my mother again. Yes, she is my mother. But I can't bring myself to apologize to her and I won't do it. All my life I wanted a mother who would accept me for who I am. She would love me unconditionally. She would encourage and support me. What I wanted and what my mother was to me were so VERY different. She would never be the woman I yearned to have in my life. I had to tell myself.....no convince myself.......that I had to stop wanting something I would never, ever have. Once I got that through my head I was saddened. Saddened not for what I had lost- which was a relationship with my mother- but saddened that the relationship I had with her for YEARS was so unhealthy and I let it be that way.

My mother can put on a show that she is an excellent, loving and caring woman. She puts on this show to friends and family. But those people didn't live in the four walls I grew up in. She was not that woman she "showed" to others. She was incapable of being that way.

My one sister was devastated by my mother years ago. My sister became a mother and decided to open the door and let mother back in. But she let her back in on HER conditions. My mother knows that she can't pull no shit with my sis any more. And she has a hubby that will tell my mother to hit the curb. Hallelujah!!!

Me on the other hand will probably never have a relationship with my mother again. That is a sad statement to see in written form. But is the truth.

I forgive you Mom for not being what I needed in my life. I finally realized that you couldn't be what I needed. No matter what I did in my life I would never please you. You would always find fault with my decisions in life.

I hope and pray that my mother stays healthy and she is OK with her life. That is all I can do.