30 Days of Truth - Day 7

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.


When I was compliling the list for this writing assignment I thought to myself....hmmmm......that should be an easy one to answer. But I find myself sitting here thinking that there is no ONE person that has made my life worth living for.  In my life I have had coming and goings of people that have helped me tremendously and hurt me immensely.  


I have spent a good chunk of time in the last year trying to define who I am.  Thoughts of what I wanted to be when I grew up and then thoughts of now. Did I succeed? Did I fail?  It all depends on how I look at it, I guess.


So the statement.....Someone who has made your life worth living for.  There is not one person or thing.  There is no ONE answer to that statement.  Let's try it this way.


To everyone who questioned my path in life, who doubted my decisions, who took advantage of me, who put down my accomplishments, treated me like shit, who said wonderful things to my face and then said terrible things about me to others; this is for you.


To the abuser who stole my innocence at the age of 7, who taught me about sex when I had no business learning it at that young age, those who did not understand my pain, understand my feelings, my insecurities, and laughed at me; this is for you.


To those who attempted to dash my dreams and doubt my abilities, who have openly spoken their thoughts that I would fail, who never had my back; this is for you.


To those whom have been in my life and used to care about me but now only wish bad things for me, who have chosen to turn their back on me when I make decisions they don't approve of, who have betrayed me, abused my trust, caused so much irreparable damage to my heart; this is for you.


To those who put me down with words, who judge me and think I am nothing or not worth it, who have kicked me while I have been down, who bullied me as a child and made fun of me for years, who violated my confidence while pretending to be a friend; this is for you.


To those who without giving me the benefit of the doubt and jump to conclusions about me, who judge the cover of the book without seeing what is inside, who view me as not worthy of their time, their friendship, their love; who heard untruths about me and changed their hearts and minds about me, who have made me cry over losses in my life; this is for you.


To those who spoke of how I would never succeed and tried to hold me back, who never gave me a chance to be in the spotlight, who conspired and blocked the road, who laughed at every shortcoming, made fun of my flaws; this is for you.


To the couple, who could not be the people I wanted, who did alot of the above things while not even realizing they did so, quick to judge, quick to put down- with a look and with words, who gave me much hurt and lots of confusion, emotional pain and deep sadness, who made me feel worthless and as if my life didn't matter; this is for you.


To anyone who has spoken nasty words and been untruthful about me, who tried to dismember me with spoken words and spewed hateful names, who are within my own family; this is for  you.


To anyone who who made my life a living hell, who inflicted the pain and sadness any which way they could; to all who made me feel like shit through the years as if I didn't matter; this is for you.


All of the above......YOU.....have made my life worth living.  I will not point fingers and say who YOU are.  It is not necessary to do so.  YOU know who you are.  I am who I am because all of the above has brought me to this time in my life.  I move forward.  I keep plugging along because of those voices in my head of the negative nellies and the bullies of my youth-- they keep me moving forward.  I have been knocked down to the depths of hell and bounced back time and time again.  Because deep down all these years I have felt that I have had to prove YOU wrong.  I don't believe that any more. The pain that was inflicted on me for years....I believe that has made me a stronger person.


I am not pathetic.  YOU are.  I am a good person.  YOU are not.  I still want to love unconditionally.  In spite of the emotional damage YOU put me through.


YOU may think that you have suceeded in what you did.  Because you felt gratification at seeing me hurt.  But guess what.....you didn't succeed because I refuse to let YOU win.  YOU never did win.  You never will win.  I am me.  I am strong.  I am a better person because of the hell I went through.


YOU are not a part of my life because you truly didn't care about me.  Not my feelings or my pain.  But that's life.  And YOU are in my past.  History.  


I never thought I would say this but....Thank YOU!!

30 Days of Truth / Day 6

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do.

I think this is a hope of all parents.  I hope I never have to bury one of my children.  NEVER.

My aunt buried a son.  He was a baby. I don't remember if he was over a year or under a year.  It was so long ago.

My sister buried a daughter.  My niece was just 13 months old.  She would be 11 years old now.

My sister is mentally challenged.  She is in her mid-thirties, but she is very much like a 15 year old teenager.  I watched her grieve in her way that she did.  She was pregnant with her son while she buried her daughter.  Sadly, 10 days after her son was born the state stepped in and took her son away.  The state reps scared her and the baby's father into signing away their rights to their son.  My nephew is being raised by his paternal grandmother and step-grandfather.  He has a myriad of medical problems.  Emotional, physical and developmental.  They live in PA- a few hours away- and yet I have never met my nephew.  I have seen pictures of him but that is it.  My sister could not have handled my nephew with all of his problems.  She just was not capable of it.  I know she rants about how everything was not fair and that she loves her son.  But I think she knows deep down she could not have cared for him and all his needs.  She could not have raised him herself.

Loss is loss.  No matter what way you look at it.  I can not imagine how she has dealt with it all.  Nor would I ever want to have to.

My sister has been dealt the shittiest cards in life.  She is not my biological sister.  She is my adopted sister.  She came into our home at 12 years of age.  In those 12 years she was abused in her biological parents' home.  She was abused in the foster care system by foster brothers. On top of all that she had her mental issues that were not fully diagnosed until she came to us.  And just when I think she has come into a *normal* home- it was not to be.  She was so scarred from her relationships in the 12 years prior to coming to our home......that she did not behave normally.  And abuse came in another form in our home. (A story I previously wrote about.)

Back to the subject at hand: Something I hope to never have to do.  And that answer was- Never have to bury a child.  I was born, had a childhood, grew to adulthood.  I got married and I am raising my kids.  My son is a young man of 19 and my daughter is moving up- she is 13.  I will watch them continually grow and have relationships and marry and have children themselves so that my husband and I can enjoy spoiling grandchildren.  We get old and we pass on. That is what I call a full circle of life.

What is your answer???

Running Errands

Hey gang.....what a shocker another blog entry!! Yep.....I decided to write some more today.

We ran around to tackle my errands. (By WE...I mean my MIL and I. We live 7 minutes away from each other- but this winter we haven't seen each other much.)

Well......I paid 2 bills. We stopped by Weis and I got some Creamy Caesar Salad Dressing (2 bottles on sale) and Texas Toast Caesar croutons (also on sale). We are gonna have grilled chicken caesar salad for dinner tonight. And for dessert I am making Cinnamon Baked Sliced Apples. YUMMY!!!

Then we went to Green Dragon. I love that place!! It is a huge flea market kind of place. They have livestock auctions there and they have indoor buildings with tons of stuff in them. Here is a link to the place so you can check it out: http://www.greendragonmarket.com/

I picked up the produce I needed: Bananas, apples, seedless grapes, tomatoes, green peppers, lettuce. I also hit the bakery on the way out of the building. I bought a pumpkin whoopie pie and a Peanut Butter Bear Claw. OMG!!! I am in heaven!!!

I am here relaxing for a bit. Gonna catch up on some bloggers' posts and then watch the CSI episode that was recorded on the DVR.

Off I go.......

30 Days of Truth / Day 5

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life. (or somethings....)

This is an easy one. I hope to travel to other countries. Reading about them in books and seeing pictures just doesn't do them any justice.

I had a beautiful wedding almost 20 years ago with the close friends and family I wanted there. My father and his side of the family boycotted my wedding because *gasp* I was knocked up. And boy was I...Steven was born 48 hours after the blessed event!! LOL!! But that was OK. My brother walked me down the aisle and I made my peace with the family afterwards.

This coming September marks our 20 year anniversary. I want to do something special. I want to take that Honeymoon that we never took. Go somewhere we have never been. I don't think it will be to another country. Heck...to the West Coast would be nice!!

I am always thinking about writing a book. With the family I grew up with and my experiences in life...I am sure I could write a doozy of a book!! Someday perhaps......

I hope to lead by example for my children. To hope that they lead successful lives. Settle down and have lots of babies to give us Grand-babies. To be a close-knit family so that there is never too much quiet under my roof.

That is a little of what I hope for. What do you HOPE for??

30 Days of Truth / Day 4

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

This one came right to me. I didn't have to think very long at all. I read the sentence out loud and I knew right away.

The someone would be my mother.

I haven't had a relationship with my mother since August, 2009. She has not been a part of my life at all since then. I have seen her at a few functions- I say hello to her- but that is it.

She has no relationship with my son. But that wasn't anything new. They had a falling out when he was 15.

She has no relationship with my daughter, either. She "friended" my daughter on Facebook. But my mother is so darn computer illiterate it's kind of a joke. She is never on there.

My mother is one of those kinds of people who get highly offended if you don't follow the advice she has given you. I can count on both hands - sadly - of the times that we had falling outs. One fall out occurred at Christmas time. My children- her GRANDCHILDREN had nothing to do with the adult problem- but they were cut out over the holidays. They opened Christmas gifts at Easter time. EASTER!!!!!! Pretty pathetic and BOTH of the kids never forgot it. Every time there was a fallout- the kids were involved and they weren't supposed to be. It pissed me off to no end EVERY TIME!!!

Well...the last fall out occurred the summer of 2009. I was having marital issues and major financial issues with my husband. I started to put pay checks aside to put a deposit on an apartment for me and my daughter to move into. My mother helped me move stuff and even gave me a few hundred dollars. She was just all happy because she thought my marriage was over and she could get some control over my life. My son was living with his great-grandma while all this was going on and he was doing OK over there. Great-grandma had company and it was working for a while.

I moved into the apartment and left hubby. Like I said we were going through some major problems. We had to file for Chapter 13 and with further financial problems we had to convert it to a Chapter 7. We lost the house to foreclosure. But......hubby freaked out over everything that was happening and forced me to talk things over with him. After many conversations I decided to give him and our marriage another shot.

My mother blew her top and told me that she was very disappointed in me and didn't want a relationship with me if I was going to have John in my life. I couldn't recall the exact words she used-- but that pretty much sums it up. I lived a block and a half away from her and she cut me off. She cut her granddaughter off. That was that. I lived in that apartment for almost a year.

I don't speak with my mother, my one sister and my mother's sister- my aunt. I speak to my other brother and sister and seem to have an OK relationship with them. I also have a cousin that I am very close with as well as other cousins that I keep in touch with through e-mails and Facebook. Thank goodness for Facebook!!

I have heard through the grapevine that if I apologize I "might" have a relationship with my mother again. Yes, she is my mother. But I can't bring myself to apologize to her and I won't do it. All my life I wanted a mother who would accept me for who I am. She would love me unconditionally. She would encourage and support me. What I wanted and what my mother was to me were so VERY different. She would never be the woman I yearned to have in my life. I had to tell myself.....no convince myself.......that I had to stop wanting something I would never, ever have. Once I got that through my head I was saddened. Saddened not for what I had lost- which was a relationship with my mother- but saddened that the relationship I had with her for YEARS was so unhealthy and I let it be that way.

My mother can put on a show that she is an excellent, loving and caring woman. She puts on this show to friends and family. But those people didn't live in the four walls I grew up in. She was not that woman she "showed" to others. She was incapable of being that way.

My one sister was devastated by my mother years ago. My sister became a mother and decided to open the door and let mother back in. But she let her back in on HER conditions. My mother knows that she can't pull no shit with my sis any more. And she has a hubby that will tell my mother to hit the curb. Hallelujah!!!

Me on the other hand will probably never have a relationship with my mother again. That is a sad statement to see in written form. But is the truth.

I forgive you Mom for not being what I needed in my life. I finally realized that you couldn't be what I needed. No matter what I did in my life I would never please you. You would always find fault with my decisions in life.

I hope and pray that my mother stays healthy and she is OK with her life. That is all I can do.

30 Days of Truth / Day 3

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is my second attempt at posting. My computer had issues and I lost the whole thing I had typed up. I used to have that happen all the time over at AOL...but never here at Blogger. It was very weird. Oh well.....I can't cry over it.......I just have to do it over.

I am finding this writing exercise is bringing so many things to the surface. Which makes it so difficult to pick just one thing out of my brain to write about.

But alas.....I will pull something out to write about.

Growing up it was installed in all the younger generation that you had to respect your elders. It was drilled into all the kids. I swear it would come time to leave grandma's house and it would take almost an hour to say "goodbye" to everyone. Because if you didn't say "goodbye" to someone you would hear about it later because someone would say something to my mother. I could have gone around the house and said "goodbye" to 40 people....but I would get condemned for the ONE person I missed. LOL!!! It was crazy growing up in my family....but it was never a dull moment. My family was so darn dysfunctional......I would love to write a book about it some day.

Well......I hit my teen years and my attitude took a nose dive. I was hanging with the wrong crowd. Doing things that were quite inappropriate. And to say I was disrespectful toward everyone would be an understatement. I started to smoke cigarettes. I experimented with alcohol a bit. I tried marijuana and didn't like it. I had sex wayyyyy before I should have. I did all of these things and put my family through hell.

I moved out when I was 18. I left home 5 months before graduation. A month before graduation I found out I was pregnant. A month after graduation I split with the boyfriend and went back home. I was in a pickle. My parents didn't know I was pregnant at first. I was home for about a week before it came out. We were sitting at the table and my mother said something like....well, at least you didn't get pregnant!! The color completely drained out of my face and my mother knew. My parents were furious with me. They wanted to crush the guy who got me pregnant. (This same guy is who I am married to today. Almost 20 years now!!)

Well.....here comes the part I have to forgive myself for. Well....for the reasons of this writing assignment...I have to forgive myself. But I asked God for forgiveness years ago.

I know that I was pregnant with twins. I didn't know until after the fact that I was pregnant with twins. I knew the gal that worked at the abortion clinic and she told me. For years I told people that I miscarried twins. Horrible of me to do, I know. But I did. But I was ashamed deep down at what I did. My parents forced me to get the abortion. They were Catholic. They told me I brought shame to them. They actually went to Georgia for a family reunion and told me that I had better not be pregnant when they came back from the reunion. Yeah......that actually happened. It was a horrible time in my life and it scarred me in such a way that I thought I would never recover. I spent a month inside the house and refused to go out anywhere. I finally got dragged out by friends and they were a blessing to me.

In September I got a job, I started going to Business School and was moving on with my life.

A few months later my husband came to the Bazaar of All Nations- where I worked. (This was a Mall of sorts) I worked in a restaurant at the Bazaar. We talked for a bit. We agreed that we needed to get together outside of my job and talk things through.

We ended up getting back together and have been together ever since. I got sick in December and was on antibiotics. I was also still smoking cigarettes. John asked me to marry him and we went away for the weekend to celebrate. I was on the pill. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant again for at least a year- according to my OB/GYN. Well....that weekend I got pregnant.

There's more to the story.....but I will leave that for another time.

We got married 9/14/91. Our son was born 9/16/91. That's what I call a shotgun wedding....LOL!!!!

I went several years with the guilt of having the abortion. I was young and very, very naive about things in the world. I don't remember the day I asked God for forgiveness....but I do remember this huge weight had lifted off of my shoulders.

30 Days of Truth / Day 2

Day 2 - Something that you love about yourself.

I love that I was born with an outgoing personality. I can walk into a room with 100 people I don't know and be able to strike up a conversation with anyone.

When I was in high school I was drawn to people giving speeches- on television and in public. I thought to myself that giving speeches would be an interesting career move. I even dreamed of working at the White House. That dream was pretty crazy, right??? I mean I had dawdled in the written word with poetry and short stories, but never had I tried to give a speech. That was until my senior year in high school.

I was involved in a group at my high school. I learned the skills necessary to write a proper speech and how to give it to an audience. To capture them and have them eager to listen and perhaps learn from what I spoke. I won an award. 3rd place in a state-wide competition. My speech was on the importance of following through on education and pursuing a college degree. For going to college was following the ladder to succeed in your future.

I am one of those backwards people. Know why? I graduated high school in June of 1990. I got engaged and pregnant December of 1990. I got married September of 1991 and became a Mother in September of 1991, too! I had completed a business course at a technical college for which I had earned a Diploma. I had completed a few college classes as well. But no college degree for me.

I kept active- raising first my son and now raising up my daughter. We had hoped our son would go the route of College and he has not. He is 19 and there is still hope he will figure out what he wants to do with his life. You see we spoiled the crap out of him and now must shake him into the realization that life is not handed to you. You have to work for what you want. If he never goes to College, I fear that he will have to work quite hard at manual labor to make his way in life. I hope that does not happen.

My daughter is 13 going on 14. What an amazing age. I am watching my daughter grow into a young woman. Independent and head strong she is. She is a beautiful blend of skills between her father and myself. She loves to Read- like ME and excels at Math- like her Dad.

Here I went and rambled on.

Back to the subject at hand- something I love about myself.

I love my outgoing personality. I have my bad days- this past year has been FILLED with them. I try not to let them get me totally down. I know I have depression issues and I refuse to fall into taking medication to "help". I just keep surrounding myself with friends and family- in real life as well as online- to stay positive. I just keep telling myself that I can walk, I can talk and I can take care of myself. I have post-surgical issues that may be permanent and painful- but I could be much, much worse.

My outgoing personality and openness with others is what will keep me going. I love LIFE. I love to learn something new every day. And I do. Every day. Reading a book, reading blogs and journals online, watching documentaries and watching television. Sitting down and talking to my daughter about how her day went. Watching my kids do something simple- like sledding when I was a child.

So.......what do you love about yourself? Better yet....check out a previous post that give a 30 Day List. Copy it and tackle it yourself!!! Oh and by all means.....please let me know you've done so- that way I can check it out.

Thanks and Have a fantastic day!!