30 Days of Truth / Day 5

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life. (or somethings....)

This is an easy one. I hope to travel to other countries. Reading about them in books and seeing pictures just doesn't do them any justice.

I had a beautiful wedding almost 20 years ago with the close friends and family I wanted there. My father and his side of the family boycotted my wedding because *gasp* I was knocked up. And boy was I...Steven was born 48 hours after the blessed event!! LOL!! But that was OK. My brother walked me down the aisle and I made my peace with the family afterwards.

This coming September marks our 20 year anniversary. I want to do something special. I want to take that Honeymoon that we never took. Go somewhere we have never been. I don't think it will be to another country. Heck...to the West Coast would be nice!!

I am always thinking about writing a book. With the family I grew up with and my experiences in life...I am sure I could write a doozy of a book!! Someday perhaps......

I hope to lead by example for my children. To hope that they lead successful lives. Settle down and have lots of babies to give us Grand-babies. To be a close-knit family so that there is never too much quiet under my roof.

That is a little of what I hope for. What do you HOPE for??

30 Days of Truth / Day 4

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

This one came right to me. I didn't have to think very long at all. I read the sentence out loud and I knew right away.

The someone would be my mother.

I haven't had a relationship with my mother since August, 2009. She has not been a part of my life at all since then. I have seen her at a few functions- I say hello to her- but that is it.

She has no relationship with my son. But that wasn't anything new. They had a falling out when he was 15.

She has no relationship with my daughter, either. She "friended" my daughter on Facebook. But my mother is so darn computer illiterate it's kind of a joke. She is never on there.

My mother is one of those kinds of people who get highly offended if you don't follow the advice she has given you. I can count on both hands - sadly - of the times that we had falling outs. One fall out occurred at Christmas time. My children- her GRANDCHILDREN had nothing to do with the adult problem- but they were cut out over the holidays. They opened Christmas gifts at Easter time. EASTER!!!!!! Pretty pathetic and BOTH of the kids never forgot it. Every time there was a fallout- the kids were involved and they weren't supposed to be. It pissed me off to no end EVERY TIME!!!

Well...the last fall out occurred the summer of 2009. I was having marital issues and major financial issues with my husband. I started to put pay checks aside to put a deposit on an apartment for me and my daughter to move into. My mother helped me move stuff and even gave me a few hundred dollars. She was just all happy because she thought my marriage was over and she could get some control over my life. My son was living with his great-grandma while all this was going on and he was doing OK over there. Great-grandma had company and it was working for a while.

I moved into the apartment and left hubby. Like I said we were going through some major problems. We had to file for Chapter 13 and with further financial problems we had to convert it to a Chapter 7. We lost the house to foreclosure. But......hubby freaked out over everything that was happening and forced me to talk things over with him. After many conversations I decided to give him and our marriage another shot.

My mother blew her top and told me that she was very disappointed in me and didn't want a relationship with me if I was going to have John in my life. I couldn't recall the exact words she used-- but that pretty much sums it up. I lived a block and a half away from her and she cut me off. She cut her granddaughter off. That was that. I lived in that apartment for almost a year.

I don't speak with my mother, my one sister and my mother's sister- my aunt. I speak to my other brother and sister and seem to have an OK relationship with them. I also have a cousin that I am very close with as well as other cousins that I keep in touch with through e-mails and Facebook. Thank goodness for Facebook!!

I have heard through the grapevine that if I apologize I "might" have a relationship with my mother again. Yes, she is my mother. But I can't bring myself to apologize to her and I won't do it. All my life I wanted a mother who would accept me for who I am. She would love me unconditionally. She would encourage and support me. What I wanted and what my mother was to me were so VERY different. She would never be the woman I yearned to have in my life. I had to tell myself.....no convince myself.......that I had to stop wanting something I would never, ever have. Once I got that through my head I was saddened. Saddened not for what I had lost- which was a relationship with my mother- but saddened that the relationship I had with her for YEARS was so unhealthy and I let it be that way.

My mother can put on a show that she is an excellent, loving and caring woman. She puts on this show to friends and family. But those people didn't live in the four walls I grew up in. She was not that woman she "showed" to others. She was incapable of being that way.

My one sister was devastated by my mother years ago. My sister became a mother and decided to open the door and let mother back in. But she let her back in on HER conditions. My mother knows that she can't pull no shit with my sis any more. And she has a hubby that will tell my mother to hit the curb. Hallelujah!!!

Me on the other hand will probably never have a relationship with my mother again. That is a sad statement to see in written form. But is the truth.

I forgive you Mom for not being what I needed in my life. I finally realized that you couldn't be what I needed. No matter what I did in my life I would never please you. You would always find fault with my decisions in life.

I hope and pray that my mother stays healthy and she is OK with her life. That is all I can do.

30 Days of Truth / Day 3

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is my second attempt at posting. My computer had issues and I lost the whole thing I had typed up. I used to have that happen all the time over at AOL...but never here at Blogger. It was very weird. Oh well.....I can't cry over it.......I just have to do it over.

I am finding this writing exercise is bringing so many things to the surface. Which makes it so difficult to pick just one thing out of my brain to write about.

But alas.....I will pull something out to write about.

Growing up it was installed in all the younger generation that you had to respect your elders. It was drilled into all the kids. I swear it would come time to leave grandma's house and it would take almost an hour to say "goodbye" to everyone. Because if you didn't say "goodbye" to someone you would hear about it later because someone would say something to my mother. I could have gone around the house and said "goodbye" to 40 people....but I would get condemned for the ONE person I missed. LOL!!! It was crazy growing up in my family....but it was never a dull moment. My family was so darn dysfunctional......I would love to write a book about it some day.

Well......I hit my teen years and my attitude took a nose dive. I was hanging with the wrong crowd. Doing things that were quite inappropriate. And to say I was disrespectful toward everyone would be an understatement. I started to smoke cigarettes. I experimented with alcohol a bit. I tried marijuana and didn't like it. I had sex wayyyyy before I should have. I did all of these things and put my family through hell.

I moved out when I was 18. I left home 5 months before graduation. A month before graduation I found out I was pregnant. A month after graduation I split with the boyfriend and went back home. I was in a pickle. My parents didn't know I was pregnant at first. I was home for about a week before it came out. We were sitting at the table and my mother said something like....well, at least you didn't get pregnant!! The color completely drained out of my face and my mother knew. My parents were furious with me. They wanted to crush the guy who got me pregnant. (This same guy is who I am married to today. Almost 20 years now!!)

Well.....here comes the part I have to forgive myself for. Well....for the reasons of this writing assignment...I have to forgive myself. But I asked God for forgiveness years ago.

I know that I was pregnant with twins. I didn't know until after the fact that I was pregnant with twins. I knew the gal that worked at the abortion clinic and she told me. For years I told people that I miscarried twins. Horrible of me to do, I know. But I did. But I was ashamed deep down at what I did. My parents forced me to get the abortion. They were Catholic. They told me I brought shame to them. They actually went to Georgia for a family reunion and told me that I had better not be pregnant when they came back from the reunion. Yeah......that actually happened. It was a horrible time in my life and it scarred me in such a way that I thought I would never recover. I spent a month inside the house and refused to go out anywhere. I finally got dragged out by friends and they were a blessing to me.

In September I got a job, I started going to Business School and was moving on with my life.

A few months later my husband came to the Bazaar of All Nations- where I worked. (This was a Mall of sorts) I worked in a restaurant at the Bazaar. We talked for a bit. We agreed that we needed to get together outside of my job and talk things through.

We ended up getting back together and have been together ever since. I got sick in December and was on antibiotics. I was also still smoking cigarettes. John asked me to marry him and we went away for the weekend to celebrate. I was on the pill. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant again for at least a year- according to my OB/GYN. Well....that weekend I got pregnant.

There's more to the story.....but I will leave that for another time.

We got married 9/14/91. Our son was born 9/16/91. That's what I call a shotgun wedding....LOL!!!!

I went several years with the guilt of having the abortion. I was young and very, very naive about things in the world. I don't remember the day I asked God for forgiveness....but I do remember this huge weight had lifted off of my shoulders.

30 Days of Truth / Day 2

Day 2 - Something that you love about yourself.

I love that I was born with an outgoing personality. I can walk into a room with 100 people I don't know and be able to strike up a conversation with anyone.

When I was in high school I was drawn to people giving speeches- on television and in public. I thought to myself that giving speeches would be an interesting career move. I even dreamed of working at the White House. That dream was pretty crazy, right??? I mean I had dawdled in the written word with poetry and short stories, but never had I tried to give a speech. That was until my senior year in high school.

I was involved in a group at my high school. I learned the skills necessary to write a proper speech and how to give it to an audience. To capture them and have them eager to listen and perhaps learn from what I spoke. I won an award. 3rd place in a state-wide competition. My speech was on the importance of following through on education and pursuing a college degree. For going to college was following the ladder to succeed in your future.

I am one of those backwards people. Know why? I graduated high school in June of 1990. I got engaged and pregnant December of 1990. I got married September of 1991 and became a Mother in September of 1991, too! I had completed a business course at a technical college for which I had earned a Diploma. I had completed a few college classes as well. But no college degree for me.

I kept active- raising first my son and now raising up my daughter. We had hoped our son would go the route of College and he has not. He is 19 and there is still hope he will figure out what he wants to do with his life. You see we spoiled the crap out of him and now must shake him into the realization that life is not handed to you. You have to work for what you want. If he never goes to College, I fear that he will have to work quite hard at manual labor to make his way in life. I hope that does not happen.

My daughter is 13 going on 14. What an amazing age. I am watching my daughter grow into a young woman. Independent and head strong she is. She is a beautiful blend of skills between her father and myself. She loves to Read- like ME and excels at Math- like her Dad.

Here I went and rambled on.

Back to the subject at hand- something I love about myself.

I love my outgoing personality. I have my bad days- this past year has been FILLED with them. I try not to let them get me totally down. I know I have depression issues and I refuse to fall into taking medication to "help". I just keep surrounding myself with friends and family- in real life as well as online- to stay positive. I just keep telling myself that I can walk, I can talk and I can take care of myself. I have post-surgical issues that may be permanent and painful- but I could be much, much worse.

My outgoing personality and openness with others is what will keep me going. I love LIFE. I love to learn something new every day. And I do. Every day. Reading a book, reading blogs and journals online, watching documentaries and watching television. Sitting down and talking to my daughter about how her day went. Watching my kids do something simple- like sledding when I was a child.

So.......what do you love about yourself? Better yet....check out a previous post that give a 30 Day List. Copy it and tackle it yourself!!! Oh and by all means.....please let me know you've done so- that way I can check it out.

Thanks and Have a fantastic day!!

30 Days of Truth / Day 1

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself.

Boy, that is not a tough one for me. I could write a list a mile long, I think.

I hate that I can not commit to losing weight. I will try different things and start looking good and then I fall back into the same pattern of eating crappy foods and I put on the pounds.

Now that I have medical issues it is a necessity to get the weight off.

I watched a documentary last week on Netflix. It is called Food Matters. It explained how foods you eat affect your body. And how taking in nutrients (Vitamins) can actually cure diseases. WOW!! And it is not spoken of by medical professionals. WHY NOT??

You need to see the documentary. And to each his own in regards to their opinions. But, for me it was an eye opener. Now, I just need the $$$ to accomplish eating much healthier.

If you notice.....junk foods are cheap and a quick fix for satisfying a hunger pang.

Roughage and raw foods that are suggested for healthier eating are always a tad bit expensive.

OK. Back to the subject. Me needing to commit to losing weight. One of the things I hate about myself. Lack of committment to losing weight.

A while back I ordered a bracelet from Dr. Oz's website. (www.doctoroz.com) It was a Just 10 bracelet. The object is to commit to eating healthier and following his plan to lose 10 pounds.

Starting on losing those first 10 pounds is something I need to do.

Committment. Change a negative to a positive!

30 Day Writing Excercise

I read this somewhere the other day. I don't remember where I found it. But I thought it would be a good writing excercise to do.


30 Days of Truth


Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2 - Something you love about yourself.
Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)
Day 14 - A hero tht has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 - Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up o life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 - What's the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 - What if your were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.


My next blog will start the 30 Days of Truth writing excercise!

New Year....New Happenings

It is 2011. A New Year. A New Start. A change to OLD problems need to happen and happen SOON!!!

Financials are a freakin' mess. But at least I have a solid roof over my head. Not like the money pit I lived in for 11 years. That is a whole other can of worms that I won't even get started on.

I had a conversation with a gentleman this morning who brightened my day a little bit. I need all the prayers that I can get that what we talked about will actually happen.

Life is busy. Our son- he's 19- is moving up with us next week. We had to go out and get a new bed and he will get our old bed. New bed is being delivered tomorrow between 4 and 8 p.m. I can't wait!!! (Can't wait for the bed.....NOT the bill to pay off for the bed....LOL!!)

Another mouth to feed in the house. And boy can he eat!!! I told him he is getting job ASAP to put toward the increased electricity, water, and food bills. The good thing about being up here is that there are great employment opportunities out here. Back where he was it wasn't so good.

I think with him being up here...away from his friends...he can get his life in order. Perhaps realize that his friends are not the greatest influences in his life. Hoping that he grows up a bit and matures. He needs to stop expecting the world to be handed to him. Life doesn't work that way.

Oh well...done venting. It is close to lunch time here and gonna rustle something up to eat.

TTFN......Ta Ta for now!!!